The Struggle

I have a new admiration for people who have no children and no job, yet wake up everyday and get dressed and remain productive. I have always had circumstances in my life that required that I get up and get moving. There is comfort and a sense of purpose and accomplishment in that, even if it's just getting kids fed, dressed and hugged that day.
This is all so different for me. I have been a housewife before, but never without being enrolled in school or being enrolled in full-time motherhood. Don't get me wrong, there is plenty to do! I have had a lunch and a dinner with other Noble wives. We have been to dinners and had people to our home. I have participated at some things going on at the church. I went to the Welcome Coffee for the American International Women's Club of Geneva. (They have hiking groups, skiing groups, cooking classes, French classes, book studies, etc.) And there is plenty still to do in the house. Even though we are unpacked and the apartment is looking fairly together, there are still cabinets that need to be sorted through, pictures that need to be hung and boxes of pictures and mementos that need to go into scrapbooks.
The problem is more of urgency. Nothing is urgent. Everything can wait. A non-urgent activity is not the sort of thing I am good at tackling unless I find it extremely entertaining. (I have been known to spend hours on the joys of Spider Solitaire!) Once at a workshop, we had to draw a diagram with four quadrants...X axis being urgent and non-urgent activities and Y axis being important and non-important activities. These days it seems as if I am spending most of my time in the non-important/non-urgent quadrant. I either need to set up some things for myself that feel more urgent or I need to discipline myself enough to spend more time in the non-urgent/important quadrant...exercise, French lessons, bible study...
Motivation comes in spurts. I will occasionally get up and tackle something and think, "The cloud has lifted." Then to celebrate, I drink a glass of wine and depress myself back into the couch and play on the computer or read fiction. Writing this blog right now is in itself an act of avoidance. Hopefully though, as writing can sometimes do, it will transform into action that moves me out of this struggle to get living.
God has blessed me with a wonderful opportunity and has a plan for me here in Geneva. I just feel like Jacob wrestling with God! I want to wake up one morning and find that the struggle is over and go on my way, even if I am limping! I know I won't remain in this struggle forever. I am not wired like that. I will, out of emotional necessity, create opportunities for myself and build a new life here that will feel full of purpose and meaning. AMEN.